LONDON, UK – July 26, 2025 — In a groundbreaking application of both quantum mechanics and creative accounting, InfiniteCorp PLC, a British-registered, reality-fluid megafirm, has declared itself simultaneously taxable and tax-exempt in all known dimensions—effectively nullifying its entire tax burden in the UK.
“We’ve realised that by operating in a superposition of financial states, we owe tax only in universes where we both exist and admit to making money,” said CFO-quantum hybrid Nigel Entangleton, as he emerged from a fog of entangled spreadsheets and offshore waveforms. “Unfortunately, this is not one of those universes.”
Schrödinger’s Earnings Statement
The company’s latest annual report, filed as a waveform and briefly collapsing into a PDF, outlined an income superposition calculated via a modified Schrödinger equation:
Ψ(t) = tax*(£profit) + i(loss)/offshore
Where Ψ(t) = corporate fiscal presence over time, i = investor sentiment, and “offshore” = Guernsey raised to the power of 11.
HMRC officials, visibly vibrating from existential frustration, described the filing as “both complete bollocks and somehow legally sound.”
HMRC: “They’re Evading Tax In Universes That Haven’t Been Observed Yet”
“The problem is, until we observe the money actually existing in this specific reality, it technically doesn’t,” said HMRC compliance officer Sandra Higgs-Boson. “And the second we do, they quantum-jump to a version of Basingstoke that exists only during solar eclipses.”
According to leaked internal memos, InfiniteCorp has structured its operations to:
- Be headquartered in a probability wave
- Employ zero observable staff
- Pay dividends exclusively in tachyons
- List expenses for tea, biscuits, and multiverse destabilisation
Auditors Trapped in Superposition Since April
Accounting firm PwXQuanta confirmed that its auditors have been trapped in a recursive audit loop since Q1 2025, where every ledger entry exists as both an asset and a liability.
“They’re alive, dead, solvent, and insolvent,” said a spokesman. “We can hear faint cries from within the Excel file.”
InfiniteCorp Defends Itself: “It’s Just Good Quantum Governance”
CEO Sybilla Drift, speaking via a VR projection stabilised by entropic hedging, defended the strategy:
“This isn’t tax evasion. It’s just quantum optimisation. We’re not dodging taxes—we’re exploring all tax possibilities at once.”
She added:
“Frankly, if HMRC wanted to collect taxes in our multiverse branch, they should have registered for their Pan-Continuum ID before the 2025-Ω filing deadline.”
At Press Time…
InfiniteCorp reportedly applied for government subsidies for universes where it simultaneously operates as a charity, a volcano, and a small glimmer of hope.
Meanwhile, HMRC has responded by opening a superposition-based investigation, stating:
“Until we know whether they’ve paid or not, we must assume both scenarios are true. Which means we’ll issue a fine, then refund it, then tax the refund, then exist briefly as a puff of disbelief.”
