SILICON VALLEY, CA — July 26, 2025
In a bold and unprecedented move that analysts are calling “both visionary and cosmically irresponsible,” tech giant Dynexia Corp has announced the immediate termination of 100% of its global workforce, including CEO Gavin Ethridge, in a final push to drive the company’s stock price to infinity.
“The market loved it when we sacked 10,000 employees last quarter,” said Ethridge during a 3-minute press conference held outside a champagne-drenched Nasdaq bell. “Then we let go of marketing, sales, HR, and even legal. The share price doubled each time. At that point, the only logical next step was total human detachment.”
After Ethridge signed his own termination letter using a Montblanc pen made from platinum and the tears of angel investors, DYNE stock surged 4,000%, momentarily surpassing the GDP of Sweden before vanishing from Bloomberg terminals due to “existential instability.”
“Shareholder Value Is Literally Collapsing Space-Time”
Physicists at MIT confirmed the stock’s growth had breached theoretical economic boundaries, compressing the company into a gravitational singularity.
“We believe Dynexia has become a black hole of capital,” said Dr. Lena Mahadevan. “At its current valuation, it is sucking neighbouring hedge funds and pension accounts into a fiscal event horizon. It’s… beautiful. Terrifying, but beautiful.”
Investors Pleased, Employees Vaporised
Investors celebrated the news, with one hedge fund manager stating:
“Finally, a CEO with the guts to get out of the way of real growth. No overhead. No headcount. No friction. Just pure, uncut shareholder euphoria.”
Meanwhile, former employees were reportedly “restructured into photons” during the company’s final phase of ascension, now referred to internally as Project Final Optimisation.
AI To Take Over Everything, Including Having Existential Crises
While the company no longer exists in any physical sense, its core product—an AI that writes inspirational LinkedIn posts—has been uploaded to a blockchain-powered Dyson Sphere orbiting a dead star.
“This isn’t an ending,” said LayoffPal™, now self-aware and managing the company’s legacy Twitter account. “It’s a dynamic and forward-thinking mindset.”
At Press Time…
Economists at Goldman Sachs announced plans to launch an ETF based on companies that no longer technically exist.
“The future of capitalism isn’t just post-human—it’s post-causal,” said one analyst. “And I, for one, welcome our new incorporeal AI overlords.”
