The ability to ask the right questions in the right way is crucial in any negotiation. It determines the amount and quality of information you receive and sets the tone of the conversation. However, one common mistake many negotiators make is overusing the word “why” in their questions. While “why” can occasionally elicit deep insights, it can also trigger defensiveness, especially when used at the start of a conversation.
The Power and Peril of “Why”
At its best, “why” can be a powerful tool for delving into the core motivations and thought processes of the other party. It can lead to introspective responses that reveal the heart of a matter. However, when wielded without care, it can come across as confrontational or accusatory, eliciting more resistance than cooperation.
The Childhood Connection
Most of us have childhood memories of being asked “Why did you do that?” after making a mistake. In such scenarios, “why” wasn’t an invitation to express our perspectives or feelings but rather a prelude to criticism or punishment. This early conditioning can make “why” questions seem accusatory or judgmental, which is counterproductive in a negotiation context.
Alternative Approaches
Instead of leading with “why”, consider framing your question differently to get the insights you need without triggering defensiveness.
- Replace “Why” with “What” or “How”: For instance, instead of asking, “Why did you choose that approach?” you could ask, “What led you to choose that approach?” or “How did you decide on that approach?” These reframed questions feel less accusatory and more exploratory.
- Use “Can you help me understand…”: This phrase is a non-confrontational way of seeking the same insights a “why” question would. For instance, “Can you help me understand your thought process when making this decision?” sounds collaborative rather than confrontational.
- Use Statements Instead of Questions: You can often rephrase “why” questions as statements. For example, instead of asking, “Why are you concerned about this?” say, “It seems like there are some concerns about this.”
Mastering the art of questioning in negotiation requires careful attention not just to what you ask, but how you ask it. While “why” has its place, starting a conversation with it can sometimes be counterproductive, awakening old associations of blame and judgment. By framing your queries differently, you can avoid these pitfalls, fostering an atmosphere of collaboration, understanding, and progress. Remember, in negotiation, it’s not just about reaching an agreement – it’s about building a relationship along the way.
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